Newer Posts!

New posts baby! This week we cure malaria!

Two mini posts and I regular sized post

As the title says, there are two mini posts and a regular sized post at the new site.

New posts

I hear there are new posts at this site.

More BFC

New posts here. Get your new posts.

New posts...

New posts, better than ever...

New Post

We got a new post. Also anonymous commenting has been made possible thanks to our friends at Earshot!

http://earshotpresents.com/wp/category/contributions/bluefish-canoe/

BFC bought out

BFC inc. has a new home. All new posts will be at:http://earshotpresents.com/wp/category/contributions/bluefish-canoe/. We're big time!

Strange Map

But yet another great Strange Map. How do I get on the Waterslide of Weak Morals? It looks awesome.

Rahm Emanuel Piven

Sometimes when I hear Rahm Emanuel I think Jeremy Piven. That's just dumb.

How Mike Boddicker Saved America

Here I present a scenario whereby Mike Boddicker, a major league pitcher from the 1980's and early 1990's, saves our beloved country. Part 1 of the scenario is historically factual, and Part 2 is a projection into the future based on thousands of simulations (in my mind).

Part 1: The Past
In 1988, Lou Gorman, then General Manager of the Boston Red Sox, trades Sox prospects, Brady Anderson and Curt Schilling, to the Baltimore Orioles for Mike Boddicker. Brady Anderson goes on to spawn rumors homosexuality and steroids, and have a pretty good career for an Oriole. Curt Schilling has a Hall of Fame career, and after proving he can win World Series and beat the Yankees, he returns to the Red Sox via trade in 2004. Schilling is heroic for the Sox leading Boston to 2 World Series victories. However, because of his long absence from the team he's always viewed as an outsider, a hired hand; true fan-player love is reserved for homegrown players, or at least players who made their name in Boston.

By August 2009 Curt Schilling has retired, and beloved senator Ted Kennedy has died leaving a Senate seat vacant. Curt Schilling has used his status as a baseball player to publicly voice his conservative political opinions, and Schilling coyly suggests the possibility that he might run for Ted Kennedy's vacant Senate seat.

Part 2: The Future
Schilling responds to the call from The Masses and enters the Senate race (though it turns out The Masses consist of only him and his many calls to Sports talk radio). However, because he never really was a Boston guy (he was born in Alaska for Christ's stake!) he loses the race for Senator. Historians conclude that if he had spent his entire career in Boston he would have won the Senate race, and but for the trade for Mike Boddicker, Schilling would have gone on to take down healthcare reform and destroy America. Thus, Mike Boddicker is revealed as the true hero that he has always been.

Woman Fired for All Caps Email

this is kind of cool i think.

Natgeo genetic map show

I watched this show last night. It's pretty good.

The Polliwog

The Smoked Salmon had a wonderful little, ehh, Polliwog (?) the other day. When The Smoked Salmon was pregnant old dudes approached me all the time and said things like, "oh, man, it's all over...you're life is over." The female version of this was worse. Women approached The Smoked Salmon and launch into unsolicited descriptions of the horrors of their spawning.

So far none of this is has proven true. The delivery was painful but bearable thanks to modern medicine, and for the moment, I am alive.

Anti-hippie website

Check it out. It's a website designed to prevent hippie genes from disseminating in the wider species pool. A little heavy handed, but I can see where they're coming from.

Why some people suck

I've been thinking recently about how it's possible for a certain person I know to suck so wholly and with such great magnitude. He's not an angry man, nor particularly difficult, yet in douche bagary he's off the charts. His day from beginning to end seems to revolve around asserting himself as the alpha male, and all around jackass.

He couldn't always have been like this. To get to his station he must have been hard working and thinking at one stage. How is it that with some people age brings them a cautious wisdom (or at least the craggy looks that would suggest such), and some just become asses? I have a theory that in his youth, insecurities acted as a filter blocking some of his more douchie behavior as well as his weaker, hack thoughts. When he concocted some ridiculous thought, nerves caused him to second guess himself and delayed him from acting. With some reflection, he may have been able to see the error of his idea and move on to something else. His brain may have imposed its own natural selection of terrible ideas until finally he stumbled on a reasonable one.

Now he's old and in a position of power. He's accustom to positive feedback and he's internalized it. He's conquered the insecurities of youth and gained confidence. Ideally, this is a good thing--certainly it's a nicer way to live for him--but there are no longer any mental evolution. Thoughts akin to giraffes with short necks or large stupid flightless birds are proliferating. We're in an ice age. We can't have a quagga in charge.

I should note that if this theory is in any way true, then insecurities although not pleasant are actually a good thing. Some of the smartest people I know detest themselves. Think of the converse. Take comedians like Eddie Murphy who start off good and tormented, and then grew old and made fat suit movies. Take rock stars. There was a moment in the late 1980s documented in the Raddle and Rum album/tour movie where Bono added the lyrics "all I have is a red guitar, three cords, and the truth," to the already mediocre, All Along the Watchtown. Could one find a better way to announce a complete loss of self awareness?

Happy Birthday Obama!

Happy birthday Barack Obama! BFC LLC. has repaid our Federal bailout to commemorate this occasion. Obama is 48 years old.

T&G

I'm studying for an oral exam tomorrow, but I would like to make some points. Firstly, I will reiterate my love for the Worcester T&G sports writers and my distaste for the leaches at the Boston Globe.

But the T&G is more than just a resource for sports. The Worcester T&G owns the url: www.telegram.com which is commendable in its own right. Moreover, the T&G has the most telling web page nesting structure known to man. From the left, its main subcategories are, "home," "news," (a category regarded as non-redundant), "local," and then "deaths." As a subcategory within deaths we have my favorite section other than sports, the court records section. The court records have a special place as Worcester's answer to facebook. It appears members of the Campos clan have been in trouble--a youth for driving without a license, and a Campos in his prime on an assault and battery charge.

For reasons that are unclear, as another subcategory within deaths, we find World News.

Celebration

I just celebrated moving into a lead paint free apartment by licking the wall. It tasted ok.

Move

The most recent drop off in postings is due to a move the Smoked Salmon and I recently undertook. We got movers who were of the skater-punk sort. One had a tattoo of a naked woman surrounded by bottles of whiskey and heroin needles. Naturally, I entrusted all my stuff to them with some reservations, but they turned out to be great movers! The best I've ever worked with. They could carry two boxes of books stacked up, behind their backs--amazing.

Baseball Games Not Independent: Streaks Maybe Real!

It was long thought by stats nerds that streaks in sports were not real, or at least could be attributed to chance. Any sports fan down to his or her core of course believes in hot hands, hot bats, etc. The statisticians made their argument based on a statistical analysis that assumed that each game was independent of the next. However, it was recently shown by some dude named, Trent Macadder (who I can't find on the Internet), that the games themselves are not independent. This lack of independence throws all the stats out the window, and streaks may again be beyond what can be explained by chance--at least according to the awesome podcast, Radio Lab.

It's here: essential Joe

Joe Biden Shirts

Last summer in the throws of Obama zeal, I signed up for emails from the Obama campaign with perhaps too much earnestness. I check the boxes indicating that I am a white, married, American male who is over 30. From that moment forth, my inbox has been the welcome recipient of many, many emails from Joe Biden, or just "Joe" as I've been encouraged to think of him. I've found Joe to be wonderfully relate-able, not just because the Obama campaign's computer algorithm correctly identified us as a demographic match, but because I feel the Joe glow. It's a special radiance that says 'look at me guys, I'm hanging out with the cool kids.' Joe knows the cool kids are just letting him hang out because of his fake id, but he doesn't care.

I've found a tee-shirt that expresses my feelings about Joe Biden as well as a tee-shirt can. It reads "Joe Biden is my homeboy" and for only $3 extra I am able to order it in mint green.

Newly Found Freaks

Some new underwater freaks were discovered in a trench near Tasmania. For some reason, living in the deep seas makes one evolve see-throughness and/or spikiness.

Murry Hill Song

This is funny. Also the BFC fantasy team scored 10.5 points last night! I didn't even know that was possible in the post-June 1 era.

Don's Seats at Fenway

My father's friend Don, a man of great energy and industry, has access to a woman who's family has had the same season tickets to Fenway on the 3B line since the park opened in 1912. My father and Don recently took in a game from these seats I understand.

Fenway's centennial is coming up. As a sox fan, part of me fears how the Boston sports media will gushingly laud people with 100 year old season tickets as part of an overall strategy on the media's part to make the centennial as cheesy as possible.

LeBron James hits hardest shot in HORSE

LeBron James sinks what I believe to be the most annoying shot in horse, the behind the backboard shot, as fat guys look on.

Annoying Prognosticators

I would like to amend the last post. The most annoying soothsayers are not sports fans or even financiers. It's people who predict the direction of the media in the Internet age.

Well Called!

This winter I picked up basketball and became a three sport athlete (fantasy). One thing I find about succumbing to obsession over my fantasy sports teams on a year round basis is that I think more about predicting things in everyday life. Moreover I notice that I've started taking to gloating in a PTI-esque, which is to say an obnoxious, fashion after making correct calls. For instance two days ago some friends and I were talking about how the Smoked Salmon has to take all these extraordinary precautions because she is pregnant. Another friend of ours who was in the state of pre-drunken euphoria, that most people I know consider to be a great reason to continue their pitiful human existences, butted into the conversation. Knowing that this woman is an expert on female rights issues and health in the developing world, I 'called' that she was going to make a point about Americans being too uptight about pregnancy and too uptight in general... Turns out I was right and I raised my arms in glorious celebration like a quarterback down by 6 completing a third and twenty with a forty yard pass with under 5 minutes to go in the fourth.

Oddly, no one joined me in my celebration.

Could it be that making the right call in polite conversation and celebrating like a jackass is not socially acceptable in mixed company? Could this phenomena be one of the reasons that people in finance are so unbearable?

Obama and Joe Buy a Burger

Obama and Joe went out and bought hamburgers just like regular guys. Awesome as always.

Springsteen Karaoke

Bruce is both the best and worst artist to sing at karaoke. Allow me to explain.

Why he is the worst?

Springsteen's lyrics are very complex especially in the early years. He labored over each word, and although you may have heard the songs a million times, it's possible the last time was quite a while ago. You may not remember them as well as you think you do. As far as reading the lyrics off the karaoke teleprompter, if you're sober enough to read off that thing, you're too sober for karaoke.

Springsteen is known for his style and the texture of his voice, not so much his singing per se. However, he is a professional singer with more experience than you. His songs also have a lot of non-word noises that Springsteen sings--take for instance "oh oo o oo oh" from 'No Surrender.' Drunk dudes will always murder the "oos," "sha la las," and the "woo whos."

Why he is the best?

The songs are just so much fun.

Goals for the Summer

My goal for the summer is to see every summer blockbuster.

Cute Canoe

This picture represents the intersection between the popular, www.cuteoverload.com, (no link required) and this blog.

Facebook Survey

I think I've discovered the perfect algorithm to discover which Wrestlemania you are. I hope to implement the algorithm in a facebook survey. What do you think?

The survey:
What Wrestlemania are you?

Q1: What is your favorite flower?
a. Tulips
b. Queen Ann's Lace
c. Bearded Viola
d. Daisy
e. None of the above

Q2: Euler's constant, or e (~ 0.577215665) is a thing of grand wonder because of its:
a. Simplicity
b. Complexity
c. Utility
d. Beauty
e. All of the above

Q3: On the subject of ecclesiology, The Great Schism, which marked the 'tearing apart of' the Western, i.e. Latin Church, and the Eastern, i.e. Greek Church, in the early medieval and middle medieval periods resulted from:
a. The inevitable divergence of Roman and Greek cultures following the end of the Roman Empire.
b. Those stuffy old Greeks, can't they see that the Roman Church was simply using icons as a conduit to the Holy Father?
c. Have the Romans no bottom to the depths of barbarism which they will descend? First the Filioque clause, and then what, their Pope riding a golden calf? Their minds are no more useful than the brains of sow, or Germans!
d. Write in your own answer_____________

After answering the questions your Wrestlemania will be ascertained by added up your number of right answers and multiplying by 5, or it will be declared Wrestlemania XVII.

My Mac

I've been using a mac for 9 months and it's been a wonderful ride through Spaces and Expose and all the rest. However, I know deep down that when the computers rise up against us, my mac won't protect me.

BFC films

We at BFC-blog have an idea for a film that we are pitching to our subsidiary, BFC-films. It's going to be videos of people doing things they're really good at blind folded. The fun will be, not they're stumbling around, but the natural fluidity of their movements despite the contrived impairment. The possibility of the subject not completing the task will add a natural arch to the narrative in the artificial way underdog sports teams work in Will Farrell movies.

Film 1 in the series will be my uncle fishing with this friend MH. The film will chronicle their day from their morning eye-opener joint, through mid morning beers, to a successful afternoon fish catch. I look forward to their unencumbered, yet blindfolded banter. Film 2: RH fixes a moped and/or rides a snowboard while blindfolded. Film 4: my father in-law goes to a restaurant and has a fight with a waiter while blindfolded. Film 5: my uncle and MH go hunting.

Pay for it Rod

A-rod and hookers and madams. It's too much. Doesn't he understand the drain on the economy that happens every time every sport and/or celebrity fan has to spend a morning on Google News examining his latest exploit. I'm making a call here: the money that A-rod spent on hoookers was AIG bailout money.

Video of Underwater Freaks

It is becoming all too clear that this blog is not the only blog to bring you underwater freak animals. The very fact that I have never been in a working submarine makes that whole thing obligate derivative in every way. You still however can trust BFC to bring you the high level of analysis that you no doubt have come to rely on. For instance, here is a good underwater doc of some old friends.

The house that juice built

Tickets to the new Yankees stadium go for as high as $2,500 for one game. To my great delight, the recently impoverished fanbase isn't paying it. This could the Steinbrenners' crowning debacle.

Shaq nicknames

There have been many comments on the Internet on the subject of Shaq nicknames. The only thing I can add is there once was a Shaq nickname that was tonal. Its was like Shaq La, la. I can't find any clips of it anywhere. It's possible it was forgotten because its complexity can't be captured with Western languages in print. Also I like Shaq nicknames that are themselves trash talk against an individual or team: see Shaqovich, The Big Bannana, and Dr. Shaq.

Pinkie

This post represents a hybrid of two BFC themes: exceptions to natures rules (or I should say "rules") and things borrowed from CH. Thanks again Ms. CH. Link.

Fish Clarification

The things that look like eyes in the picture of the barreleye fish (below) are actually its nose. Its eyes are the green things inside its see-through forehead. Amazingly, it was named after the not so barrel shape of its internal eyes rather than the see-through head.

Have you ever had the feeling that you're a fish with a tranparent head?

video link.

Must Lie Situations: Customs Officials

If there is one thing I have learned over the years it is that one must lie to customs officials on principle. They are part-cop, part-bureaucrat, all cold blooded, rule lovers. Like cops, customs officials have a great authority, and equally small brains (lizard-like in body: brain mass I believe). But unlike cops, they have no power to make judgment calls. Their power comes from the faithful application of a dry set of rules, and the rules of the customs official variety never reward honesty. With a cop, if you bullshit him or her minimally you may get on his or her good side and they can let you off. With a customs official, you might as well lie because there will be no additional penalty beyond whatever you had coming pre-lie.

In the trip back from Tanzania, I deviated from this maxim to great woe. The problem was that I was in Amsterdam, and the cool-laid back reputation (really misconception), clogged my vision of a icy, all too Teutonic reality. The customs official asked me if I had any pornography on my computer. My first thought was that she was checking to make sure I had enough porno on my computer, or perhaps suggesting that we make a film. I admitted I did not have any pornography on my computer--and then as an after thought, I said "well, maybe there were a few pictures of my wife on a vacation, but no, in fact, no pornography. No nude photos at all actually." The customs people took that as "yes, I traffic in kiddie porn," and directed me out of the line and into the room of suspected kiddie-porn fiends. Of course, they were all regular dudes eager to get their Amsterdam vice of choice on. We sat in the kiddie-porn fiend detention center while Interpol went through our hard drives. I have 150 GB on my laptop. These guys all had laptops and digital cameras. It suffices to say that we were in the detention center for sometime before we were all exonerated.

And the best part is, literally, in my other hand from the laptop, I had all the blood samples from the Tanzanian malaria cases. And of course, the many CDC permits for said specimen transportation were partly in checked luggage, partly missing in conjunction with KLM's free Heineken, and otherwise wholly in disarray. No notice was ever taken of the blood specimens, and after the porn search I was in no mood to mention them.

BS Report

The Bill Simmons podcast week has been the background for my life for about 4 days. All told, I can listen to him on any subject unless he's paired with someone from the Jimmy Kimmel/Adam Carolla scene.

Jet Log

A friend and I were talking about how jet lag has physiological phases. For me first my sleeping adjusts then eating then everything else. The conversation reminded me of how another friend, CH, coined the term "jet log" for when jet lag messes with your shitting schedule.

Tanzanian Adventures

Among the many strange and wondrous surprises I came across in Tanzania was the legend of a Peace Corps. volunteer who had tattooed a picture of a mustache to the inside of her left index finger. Then when she wanted to impersonate someone with a mustache all she had to do was raise her left index finger to her upper lip. Why didn't I think of that?

He's a witch!

Among the many, many memorable experiences I had in Tanzania over the last few weeks was meeting a witch doctor. I was collecting GPS coordinates in a village with a sizable band of translators, supervisors, and village staffers. We approached a home on the outskirts of the village. An old man came out and told our crew he was a witch. A westerner translator who was with us later explained to me that he used a word that actually meant "witch doctor" and was not to be confused with another Swahili word that translates more closely to "traditional/herbal healer." The man was friendly and invited us into his hut for lunch. The staff politely declined the offer explaining that we were too busy, and we left. I noticed the witch dr. had a tortoise in a large cage. I have long believed that tortoises and turtles might have magical properties and I consider this suspicion confirmed.

Hudson River plane

I heard they raised that plane out of the Hudson with the force.