Yuletide Post

So I haven’t posted for a while. Sorry.

There have been two major developments of this Yuletide: Name That Thing and the farting preacher. Name That Thing requires some explanation. It’s a bar game invented by the unassuming, unpredictable, and always brilliant D-Moore. One boozer thinks of a thing and the other boozers get one shot to name that thing—no hints, no hot/cold, no pantomime, nothing. Then the boozer who initially thought of the thing awards the victory to the boozer who came closest to naming the original thing. Typically, this call is made by a free association criteria specific to the original namer of the thing. Say I name a thing, for instance: Carl Yastrzemski. Friend one says Deep Blue, friend two says pot holes, and friend three says the city of Manchester, NH. Obviously, I would award victory to the boozer who said city of Manchester because I once new a girl from there whose name was … and three of my friends slept with her over a period of several years. They awarded her the “Triple Crown” for her bedroom feat and started to call her Yaz. Yaz is the last baseball player to win a Triple Crown. The boozer who said Manchester thinks of the next thing and the entire process starts over.

Also I’ve taken the Farting Preacher to Worcester. The farting preacher is a preacher who farts. My mom said it was the funniest thing she’d seen in years.

Boo-ya!

Is it possible to pass the carcass of Rumsfeld’s career around like the Stanley Cup? I’d drink from that--risk of mad cow aside.

Next on the block: 1) Ken Mehlman and 2) John Bolton.

I encourage you to join in the time-honored chorus of victors:

Na na naaa na, na na naaa na,
Say hey, hey
Goodbye

Na na naaa na, na na naaa na,
Say hey, hey
Goodbye

Western Vigilantism Goes 21st Century

If you’re like many of my computer science minded friends in the late 90s you can look at just about any problem and think: how can the web remedy this? Problems like the oppressive expense of music and beer were fixed with Napster and homebrew kits available online. The homebrew left you drunk, but with an odd burning in your throat and asshole (a story for another time, maybe). If you’re like many of my friends in the late 90s and a racist with an inflated sense of your own voice in the national discourse, then this is a great time. You may now take you delusions to action at http://www.texasborderwatch.com/. It’s a website setup by the State of Texas that allows citizens to monitor cameras along the Texas-Mexican border to watch for potentially illegal border crossings.

I’d like to combine this Minuteman software with the sports gambling by giving the Mexicans little numbers and taking bets on who makes it. Young men with supple strawberry picking fingers will be given even odds, while pregnant women and the crippled will get 1 in 10 at least. Obviously any attempt to influence the outcome of runs you’ve bet on by calling the border patrol during the run will be considered unethical. This will be far more extreme than riding a stupid snowboard. X-Games be dammed, and make way for the Mex-Games!

Daylight Saving

After a great deal of contemplation and consultation with the Smoked Salmon, we at Bluefish Canoe have decided the annual expiry of Daylight Savings Time will result in more light when we wake up in the morning. We base this conclusion on the “fall back, spring forward” axiom. From there we reason that when we wake up at 7:00 AM New Time, it will be 8:00 Old Time, ergo as light as it was at 8:00 AM last week… Or, wait, I can never get this. Is it the other way around? How does my computer know about Daylight Savings?

A decision is made

I’ve been weighing my options on this question my entire life and I think I finally have an answer. There is no better animal than the fox. It’s not too cutie, but not ugly. It’s laden with symbolism, but not overdone in a Bald Eagle sort of way. It’s the closest thing to Han Solo the animal kingdom can offer. I rest my case.

Alcohol concentrations in beer

There is a surprising amount of confusion on this issue; for instance many beer drinkers don't know that Guinness (4%) has less booze than most American lagers (5%). Check out this site for more info. Note: if your eyes wander to the "Calories" column you are not a man.

The Santorum

From what I understand I was way late on this one, but in an ongoing effort to be in the middle of the curve I give you my little contribution to the Santorum.

Worcester and the Staff of Power

Worcester MA is ahead of the curve again. Community Associated Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA) has been spotted in Worcester according to a school nurse with whom Bluefishcanoe had connection via a highly unreliable but in this case totally certain source (the mother of all Blue Fish). Community acquired MRSA is a drug resistant form of Staph infection that in its non-hospital associated variant has been known mostly to stylish gay communities in New York and LA. Now Worcester is home to a Nobel Prize winner for medicine a well a MRSA outbreak. What next? Resurgent whooping cough, polio, maybe even Bird Flu… Worcester, the Athens of modern science in both practice and need. Worcester, the Harvard of Massachusetts...

Gay Old Pedophiles (GOP)

In an attempt to shelter even greater numbers under their big tent, the GOP has re-branded their initials to stand for Gay Old Pedophiles (the new GOP). They want their gay, child-lusting constituents to feel as comfortable as the church going set.

More big news

It’s been a weekend for the little guy. Yankees were knocked out of the playoffs by the Tigers. TO, Parcells, and Bledsoe lost to the Eagles, and the Republicans continue hemorrhage. You might accuse us at Bluefish Canoe of confusing politics and sports again, but we argue there is a common thread here. It’s simply don’t be an asshole. Why can’t TO and Bledsoe shut up for one second while on the sidelines? Every time the camera panned to watch their astonishment at losing again, they were screaming about something at someone. Donovan Mcnabb on the other hand, we was 100 percent cool.

Oh and it goes on. A House member from NY and GOP leader, Thomas “THE REPUBLICAN” Reynolds, aired a commercial where he apologies for not doing enough about Foley (REPUBLICAN-FL). Reynolds admits his hand in the whole sordid cover up, and also admits he informed Denny Hastert (REPUBLICAN) of Foley’s attempts to have sex with young, male, pages insinuating Hastert could have done more to stop the Republican, Mark Foley, from Foley’s attempts to seduce young, male pages. Let the ship sink. It’s every Republican, pederast-conspirator for himself!

And nothing will seal the deal like a media narrative around Republicans losing control of Congress because they’re a bunch of pedophiles who are using the Internet to go after your children. Finally the self-fulfilling media prophecy is not about the Democrats lacking a positive or coherent message, but it’s simply the truth REPUBLICAN = PEDOPHILE = G.O.P. out of a J-O-B.

Remember while you sleep, old Republican men are instant messaging your sons in attempts to seduce them.

Pedophilia = Republican

With every passing moment it becomes more and more obvious. Republicans will make your sons gay. If you want your son to be gay then vote Republican. The blogosphere is at near consensus on this point.

Remember: Pedophilia = Republican.

I call it Pedo-Republican-philia.

Foley’s lawyer announced Foley never had sexual contact with a minor. So how old were his boyfriends? 17? 18 and day? The age of consent in DC is 16 as it is in many States so should we assume Foley had sex with 16 year olds. I hope those kids contact reporters soon because I do believe the Republicans will kill them to keep them quiet.

I’m also sure Hastert knew/should have known about Foley. But maybe fellow House Floridian Katherine Harris knew about Foley as well. A quick google search shows KATHERINE HARRIS HAS NOT TO DENIED THAT SHE HELPED COVER UP MARK FOLEY'S SEX WITH 16 YEAR OLD BOYS. If Katherine Harris knew about Foley, maybe she mentioned it to old buddy Jeb Bush. Maybe Jeb should have reported this behaivor to George. Is someone looking into this?

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas

I saw an advertisement today where a guy gets a cat scan. The doctors say he’s fine; then he’s sitting with what I assume to be his significant other and a physiatrist. The significant other is asking the shrink if it’s possible to forget a whole week. The shrink (male) twitches nervously and the guy makes an I forgot a week face.

But what is happening in Vegas? What is Vegas advertising? This is all far to subtle. I still don’t get it…

Last time I was in Vegas all I saw was middle American families. Can marketing make a place sleazy, then wholesome, then sleazy again? Is there still hope for Times Square? Are the marketing people just messing with our minds for the shear pleasure of it at this stage? If this works can we make Baltimore the town for pyromaniac nuns and Worcester the town for female body builders who ride unicycles?

Mets Post Season Hopes

I just heard Orlando Hernandez went down with a strained calf (hurt whilst jogging in the outfield). I believe that leaves John Maine, Tom Glavin, Steve Trachsel, and then Darren Oliver I guess. I'd bet on LA on this one.

To the DNC

Do I have to be the one to say it because I will? Ok, here goes.

VOTE DEMOCRAT.
REPUBLICANS ARE PEDOPHILES.

Star Athlete A Finds Trouble,Yet Again

Monday afternoon star professional athlete, A, was caught injecting steroids into his arms, legs, and buttocks while relaxing in a crowded city park. Despite photo and video evidence from a variety of tourists as well as a bewilderingly slow government prosecutor who recovered the needles and empty steroid bottles (jugs really) from the scene and then put them into a secret vault under the Rocky Mountains, A denies steroid use. When reporters asked A about pictures taken with several voluptuous female fans at the time of the incident that showed hypodermic needles still dangling from player A’s calf muscle, A burst into a tirade of profanity. He blamed the media for his problems, then implied his teammates where a fault. Then while slurping from a bottle of Gray Goose and taking a bite from a brick of cocaine like it was an apple, he accused referees, High School geeks, tricky transvestites with nice hair and boob jobs, possibly the Jews (later analyses of the recording proved inconclusive on this point), and his absent father for his shortcomings. A then burst into tears and sped away from the scene in a Hummer while firing shots from an automatic weapon into a near by office building.

Authorities have agreed to drop all charges against A in exchange for an apology from A released by A’s agent where A apologies for uttering harmless statements which were then misconstrued by the media. This has not been a distraction to the team, A's agent added. However, A’s famous coach C has suspended A for one half of Tuesdays practice.

All of this comes in the context of A’s off season trial for selling a nuclear device to a group of known terrorists. Owner, O, bought the courthouse where the trial took place and charged admission to everyone in attendance including the judge leading to the mistrial.

In a twist that no one would have bet on 10 years ago, David Wells appears to be the cleanest professional athlete.

After September

October approaches as inevitably as the march of time itself. However I prefer to think of the month as Rocktober.

Wicked Good Names for Stuff

Fiction writing abounds with characters whose names give the readers some insight into that character’s character. A religion talking bird named Moses may seem to lack subtlety in some works, but I’ve stumbled across recent examples from real life that may make Moses the religious bird appear realistic if contrived.

The first being the giant HMO known as Kaiser Permanente. To translate it from both German and Spanish it would mean roughly, the Permanent Emperor—an odd choice for a Health Maintenance Organization that claims to have no ambitions of world domination.

The second, and this one is not very interesting and more just pathetic, is a ghetto housing project near Johns Hopkins Hospital called “The Target”.

The third (and finest I believe) is an organic food company recently at the center of an E. coli in spinach outbreak. It is a company that through its sloppiness and incompetence allowed E. coli to sicken many and kill a few. It's a company whose Chief Operating Officer is named Charles Sweat. And it's a company that allowed those with some resistance to this bacterium to live on and reproduce another day, thus increasing the frequency of their genes in the population. This company is of course Natural Selection Foods.

If you're reading this, you have to check out this thing with the cardboard cars from 2 posts ago. I can't get enough of those things.

Fuckery

The pro football team in Baltimore is called the Ravens alluding to Poe’s classic work “The Raven”. Fitting, in a city where the residents seem to have a certain gift with the artful turn of phrase. For instance, my mechanic described the speed with which he could get out of city phone numbers from 411 as “faster than a cat like his own ass.” The Smoked Salmon overheard a group of transit workers discussing a boss. “He used to me alright till he gave up drinkin. Now he’s written people up and shit. There’s some real fuckery going on around here” Indeed!

Cool cars

With many apologies to my e-fan base I submit this entry: http://youtube.com/watch?v=AXc71a2OKqM. A friend of mine did this. Godspeed car men.

District of Commuting

Bluefish Canoe has relocated/transitioned-to the bedroom communities of the most powerful men and women on earth. I now study at the fine city of Baltimore, MD and the smoked salmon is finishing her schooling (pun intendito, mofo) in DC. We tried to settle b/w Baltimore and DC but although the two cities are fairly close this is not an easy proposition. Public transport as I know it frequents these suburbs irregularly and the men and women of power tend commute via high speed automobile. If anyone feels these men and women of power are just regular folk like you and I, then I beg to differ. If you believe that the leadership of this country is simply faced with tough decisions in a cruel and terror filled world, and that’s why their actions appear like wild warmongering, then you have never commuted with said men and women of power. If you think that the leaders of this nation are any different from savage rulers of antiquity such as the men who invented soccer while kicking around the heads of their vanquished enemies, then you have never tried to merge onto a four lane mega-“beltway” after 6:00 AM. I will estimate that at least half of the people commuting in and around Washington DC are homicidal maniacs bent domination at any cost whilst driven mad by the sent of the blood of the weak and wounded. Just listen to a traffic report. It’s litany of carnage spoken by a chipper Midwestern woman. This morning I heard one that went not unlike this, “Hi, Mike. Things are smooth coming up from Virginia now that a motorist was allowed to blow up the Wilson Bridge. However, we do have a wreck on 495 northbound coming up on the Pine Branch Road exit [my route]. It’ll be another 22 minutes before the scavenger crew pulls all the useable scrap metal off the highway to sell to the Chinese. There have been some reports of some slippage on the blood of the drivers in the wreck, but I just hit a kidney and then a pituitary gland at about 85 mphs and I barely heard a bump. Back to you Mike.” Mike, "Thanks Staci. Another twist in the Ramsey case..."