Monday afternoon star professional athlete, A, was caught injecting steroids into his arms, legs, and buttocks while relaxing in a crowded city park. Despite photo and video evidence from a variety of tourists as well as a bewilderingly slow government prosecutor who recovered the needles and empty steroid bottles (jugs really) from the scene and then put them into a secret vault under the Rocky Mountains, A denies steroid use. When reporters asked A about pictures taken with several voluptuous female fans at the time of the incident that showed hypodermic needles still dangling from player A’s calf muscle, A burst into a tirade of profanity. He blamed the media for his problems, then implied his teammates where a fault. Then while slurping from a bottle of Gray Goose and taking a bite from a brick of cocaine like it was an apple, he accused referees, High School geeks, tricky transvestites with nice hair and boob jobs, possibly the Jews (later analyses of the recording proved inconclusive on this point), and his absent father for his shortcomings. A then burst into tears and sped away from the scene in a Hummer while firing shots from an automatic weapon into a near by office building.
Authorities have agreed to drop all charges against A in exchange for an apology from A released by A’s agent where A apologies for uttering harmless statements which were then misconstrued by the media. This has not been a distraction to the team, A's agent added. However, A’s famous coach C has suspended A for one half of Tuesdays practice.
All of this comes in the context of A’s off season trial for selling a nuclear device to a group of known terrorists. Owner, O, bought the courthouse where the trial took place and charged admission to everyone in attendance including the judge leading to the mistrial.
In a twist that no one would have bet on 10 years ago, David Wells appears to be the cleanest professional athlete.
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