Tavarez

I just had lunch with a friend at a favorite dinner and briefly discussed the recent free agent signings in Major League Baseball. I pointed out my beloved Red Sox had acquired the pugnacious loon Julian Tavarez. This friend of mine is a San Francisco sports fan where Tavarez is something less than beloved after spending three years on the Giants where he 1) sucked and 2) was an asshole. I defended Tavarez by quoting what may be one of the most insane monologues ever by a professional athlete who was not Oil Can Boyd. In 2003 while playing with the Pirates, umpires caught Tavarez clearly scuffing a ball with pine tar hidden on the brim of his hat. Tavarez responded:

I used to let things like that bother me. That's why they used to call me Yo-Yo Head earlier in my career. Now, I don't care what people say or write in the newspapers. I'm not putting anything on the ball. I could see if I had 20 wins that people might say something. I have two wins. Would I only have two wins if I were cheating?[my italics].

Tavarez then out does himself:

Everyone has their own preferences. Some people like skinny women, I like fat women. Some people like young women, I like old women. Some people like poor women, I like rich women. Some people like clean caps, I like dirty caps.

Housewives of Newton, Nahant, and Newbury Street with no particular inclination for the gym, you are in luck.