Friday, September 04, 2009

How Mike Boddicker Saved America

Here I present a scenario whereby Mike Boddicker, a major league pitcher from the 1980's and early 1990's, saves our beloved country. Part 1 of the scenario is historically factual, and Part 2 is a projection into the future based on thousands of simulations (in my mind).

Part 1: The Past
In 1988, Lou Gorman, then General Manager of the Boston Red Sox, trades Sox prospects, Brady Anderson and Curt Schilling, to the Baltimore Orioles for Mike Boddicker. Brady Anderson goes on to spawn rumors homosexuality and steroids, and have a pretty good career for an Oriole. Curt Schilling has a Hall of Fame career, and after proving he can win World Series and beat the Yankees, he returns to the Red Sox via trade in 2004. Schilling is heroic for the Sox leading Boston to 2 World Series victories. However, because of his long absence from the team he's always viewed as an outsider, a hired hand; true fan-player love is reserved for homegrown players, or at least players who made their name in Boston.

By August 2009 Curt Schilling has retired, and beloved senator Ted Kennedy has died leaving a Senate seat vacant. Curt Schilling has used his status as a baseball player to publicly voice his conservative political opinions, and Schilling coyly suggests the possibility that he might run for Ted Kennedy's vacant Senate seat.

Part 2: The Future
Schilling responds to the call from The Masses and enters the Senate race (though it turns out The Masses consist of only him and his many calls to Sports talk radio). However, because he never really was a Boston guy (he was born in Alaska for Christ's stake!) he loses the race for Senator. Historians conclude that if he had spent his entire career in Boston he would have won the Senate race, and but for the trade for Mike Boddicker, Schilling would have gone on to take down healthcare reform and destroy America. Thus, Mike Boddicker is revealed as the true hero that he has always been.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Schilling anonymously posts comments on his own site to make it look like more people are reading it... Not that there is anything weird about doing that.

dzusa said...

I agree.

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